Saturday, May 8, 2010

The Audition

Once upon a time I decided to drive down to Austin, TX for the day and audition to be on a cruise line. "Oh really?" You may question. Yes, really. I decided to take a risk and audition to be a dancer for one of the most well known cruise lines of all. Now, did I think I was actually going to make the show? No, BUT I did have a thought deep down in my heart telling me, "You can make it girl, you got this!" So I went for it.
At approximately 9:07 in the a.m., I walk up to the door that leads to the audition.
"Hello, I'm here for the audition!" I say with extreme enthusiasm.
"Get in line."
"Oh, ok." I awkwardly smile.
I wait in line for about 5 minutes.
"Picture and resume." The lady states.
"Oh, here you go."
"Take a number."
I grab #104. For the rest of the audition, I am known as 104.
I walk into a room full of young guys and gals stretching their bodies to make shapes I didn't even know were possible.
I begin to stretch.
As I stretch, I look around and notice that pretty much everyone in the room can lift their legs over their heads while listing off their entire resume to one another.
I sit and think, "hmm... why am I here? I am obviously out of place, and have no idea why I decided to drive 4 hours to an audition I'M NOT EVEN QUALIFIED FOR!!!!!!!!!!"
But I continue to stretch and continue to wait.
Eventually the auditionee's are split into two different groups. I was in the 2nd group. (The 2nd group was the group that auditioned 2nd.)
As the first group is auditioning, group#2 is waiting in the "theatre" room. As we are waiting, I observe #111 and # 116 dancing to a dance routine they apparently had performed together once before.
"OMG, I totally rocked that dance #." 111 confidently states.
"Me too, gah we're talented." says 116.
"For real."
They continue to dance and embrace one another and play with eachother's hair. (111 is a male, and 116 is a female)
111 says to 116, "Oh girl, did you see (Insert name) at the audition in LA? She was totally New York."
"What?" I say to myself.
"Oh, I know, but when I was talking to (Insert additional name), she said that she wouldn't even dare to perform in such a low performance show."
"She is so LA."
"I would LOVE to be in LA. I wanna be so LA as well." 116 begins to stretch some more.
After listening to this scholarly conversation, I move on to # 100 and 101. These two begin to talk about Ms. Nanton's 3rd period class.
Really? I'm here w/ high school students? Figures.
"101, listen to my voice." 100 sings for a little bit. "Aren't I good?"
"100, girl, if I was a girl, I would wanna sing just like you. You are so stellar."
"Thanks 101."
"Any day girl."
100 continues to sing, and I continue to lose patience.
Eventually group #1 returns and everyone looks so happy.
I see #84 and ask, "So... how was it."
"Totally easy, a piece of cake."
Sweet. I'm thinking, "ok people, here we go, let's do this!"
We walk into the "auditioning" dance studio.
"Hi guys, I'm your choreographer, let's get started."
She begins to speak in words I have never heard of.
"Ok, after you bentshemla, then do an arabaqumoneo, then a Russian smithlow, and a triple bagmneot."
"huh?" I am totally lost.
"Now that we've done it twice, I'm going to split you up into two groups to perform. #100-111 please step up and perform."
Well, that's me. I get to perform with 100, 101, and 111. She starts the music, and I start to freeze. I had no idea how to perform what she just taught us. I tried to watch the others, but they were going too fast.
She then splits us up into groups of 4.
AAAHHHHH! Now everyone could see me for sure at this point.
THEN, she says, "Now it is time for the actual audition, you will perform in groups of two, and I need to see stage presence, talent, and technical ability." (All of which I did not possess.)
100 and 101 perform.
Great job guys, way to make me look horrible.
"102 and 103."
Then, it was my turn.
"104 and 105."
"No, don't make me go!" I think in my head.
We step up to perform.
The music begins.
I turn, then lift my leg, then shoot my arms up, then I try to do another fancy turn, then I freeze because I have no idea what the heck I'm doing, then choreographer lady states, "get off, and move, it's time for the next group."
Then I move to the end of the line.
I say to 105, "Umm... yeah, I don't know why I'm here."
He says to me, "Yeah, I'm more of a hip hop guy, I don't know what the heck I'm doing either."
WHY DID I EVEN DO THIS??????? I was just making a fool of myself. I wanted to just walk out and say, "I'm wasting my own time, and I'm wasting yours, why don't we just save me from further embarrassment, and I'll mosey on out."
But I didn't say it. I continued with the audition.
"Once more ladies and gentlemen." stated the choreographer.
So we go again.
I embarrass myself again.
As I was dancing this time, I noticed the choreographer lady looked miserable and could have cared less about my performance. She appeared incredibly bored and was ready for the next duo to step up and perform.
After the performances were over she called out the numbers for those who were called back to stay.
Before she called the numbers I was already packing up and ready to head back home for another 4 hours in the car.
"Ahem... Number 106, 100, 101, 97, 116, and 86. The rest of you may leave, thank you."
That was it. No other numbers were called.
Happy audition day to me.
I walked back to my car, hopped in, and drove 4 more hours back home.
On the drive back I realized that I had wasted roughly 16 hours of my life to audition for this well known cruise line, and all I got out of it was the opportunity to tell a story on this blog.

The end.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Radio Star

Once upon a time I had a dream of being on Kidd Kraddick in the morning. My dream was to wake up extremely early, drive to Las Colinas, create exceptional bit material, and laugh on this morning show. What a dream! I envisioned ideas to make myself known to Mr. Kraddick and the whole gang.
One glorious morning in the fall of 2002, I decided to go up to the show with some friends and find a way to get on the radio and interview this man.
So I did.
I asked him many questions. I sounded completely professional:
"Umm... Mr. Kraddick, uh... um.... my um name (pause) is... Shoh's Shorts, and I um... am... here to um ask you questions."
"Go ahead young lady."
"Um... (deep breath) ok."
So I ask many questions. I nervously laugh. Then I ask,
"Uh what do you um recommend to people getting into the radio business?"
"Don't DO IT! It's a waste of TIME, You'll never make it!"
"Oh, um... uh... ok."
"Sorry kid."
"Oh heh, that's ok (smiling uncomfortably)."
"And we'll be right back after the break."
So the interview was over.
Hello future radio star with Kidd Kraddick in the Morning!!!!
I guess you could say they asked me to come back immediately.
I mean, they could have...
So my dream never came true.
Oh well... you win some and you lose some.
So now I still listen hoping to one day be on the show.
Could I take the place of the other 20 something year old chick on the show who does not entertain me whatsoever?
Should I?
Yes, yes I should.
And so I shall...
Ready or not Kidd Kraddick, here I come!

The end.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Oh What A Night

Once upon a time I worked for a non-profit organization that serviced at-risk youth. This one time we had a big celebration gala to honor all the community members, superintendents, volunteers, business partners, and staff. This was a night full of mingling and meeting new people. What a great night to honor those who work hard and have donated so much of their time to an organization that focuses on drop out prevention.
At this particular event, alcoholic beverages were available as a possible drink option. To get into the "classy" mood, I decided to walk up to the bar and order a White Zinfandel.
"Well hello there, may I have a glass of White Zinfandel?" I politely asked.
"Hmm... I'll need to see some ID."
"Say What? Well, I work here, see..." (I point to the badge that states I am an employee of this non-profit organization).
"Nope, I need the ID."
"Well, I left it in the car, and it is quite far away. I promise, you have to have graduated in order to be in this job, I graduated 4 years ago, I'm legal!"
"You know what, I really don't believe you."
"Oh my goodness, I'm 26! Here is my birth-date: 2-22-84! See, 26! I wouldn't have just made it up!"
"Woah, that's definitely older than 21. I know that for a fact!" says the younger of the two bartenders. "Yeah, I guess we can trust her."
"Ok, but next time, bring your ID."
"Yeah, gotcha, no prob." I said.
So I grabbed my Zinfandel and headed to the ceremony. We ate, we clapped, we laughed, we "ahhh"ed, and we left.
After the ceremony, a few of my co-workers and I went to a local establishment to enjoy ourselves and do a little dance. Just for legality sake, we'll call it the Crystal Plant.
I have never been to this Crystal Plant place before, and was looking forward to a fun night out with the co-workers I rarely ever see.
I was in the mood to have a lot of fun with these people.
So we arrive.
It apparently is 80's night with a band called the Molly Ringwalds.
We stand around.
Nobody is talking.
We stand some more.
We listen to the band.
The band is energetic.
I suddenly become bored.
I walk up to a group of people and start jamming out to a Bon Jovi song sung by the Molly Ringwalds.
The girls in the group stare at me.
I scream, "woohoo... we're half way there, oh oh, livin' on a Prayer!!!!"
They begin to laugh.
I question the reason why they laugh.
I'm unaware.
I sing and dance some more.
I feel awkward.
I go back to the group of coworkers.
We stand around.
We decide to head upstairs for more room and sitting space.
We stand around.
The Molly Ringwalds finally close their set.
4 co-workers leave, they are bored and tired and say they are "old."
I begin to think that this night is not all what it was cracked out to believe. As I think this, familiar music begins to play in my ear.
"What joy, something to dance to! Hooray! Hey all, let's go out on the dance floor. Who's with me?"
The sound of birds chirping suddenly rang in my ear.
"Come on, let's go!" As I walked away, I assumed people were following me. When I turned around, to my surprise, I was alone.
"Forget y'all!" I thought. So I decided I would dance by myself on the dance floor. The story of my life...
I look around, and think, "hmm... these people are definitely older. They are definitely in their late 30's- mid 40's. This is quite weird."
So I decide to head back upstairs with my non-dancing co-workers.
"Hey Shoh, did you have fun?"
"Why not?"
"Umm... nobody went with me, it's not the most exhilarating experience to go dancing alone."
"Aww... I'm sorry."
"Yeah, sure."
We stand around some more.
... and some more.
"Hey Shoh, we'll go dancing with you." says my co-worker friend and her husband.
"Ok! Hey other co-workers, you wanna go dancing now?"
"Yeah right!"
"I'm good."
"Sure, I'll go."
"Really?" I question.
"Yeah, let's do it."
So we go out on the dance floor. The four of us. The lights are so bright, it seems like we're dancing in the afternoon.
I begin to observe these middle/over the hill aged people, and I begin to laugh. It was quite humorous watching the business men and women bump and grind to Justin Timberlake, Sexy Back.
At this point I'm only concerned with my friends and the dancing that we are engaged in. As I dance, co-worker friend #1 says, "SHOH, watch out!"
"What is it?"
"Do NOT turn around!"
I'm thinking, "What is happening behind me, what kind of crazy is doing something behind me?!"
So I turn around.
Lo and Behold, I see a 39 year old woman in Daisy Dukes with certain areas of her skin hanging out in all forms and shapes booty dancing and climbing up and down a pole. A few seconds later, a man with many wrinkles, and several strands of grey hair decides to place his body behind hers moving in rhythm to the music.
This was quite a sight to see.
These were professional adults acting like teenagers.
I didn't know what to think.
The woman was very close to me while she was dancing on the pole.
I am thankful my co-worker friend moved me out of the way.
Apparently the pole dancing woman was millimeters away from touching me with her hanging skin.
Whew, what a close one!
We move to a different location.
We dance some more.
We see more older drunk people bumping and grinding.
I felt quite peculiar.
We decide to stop dancing and return upstairs.
We see the other co-workers.
They are still standing.
We stand some more.
We become bored.
We decide to leave.
We find the car.
We leave.
We are not sure as to what to think about the Crystal Plant.
It was an interesting night.
We arrive at my house.
I go to bed.
I pretend I never saw what I actually witnessed that night at the Crystal Plant.

The end.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

My Realization

Once upon a time I had a really tough month. Maybe more than a month. Maybe a tough 2010, and several months prior to that as well. Life has been somewhat difficult. I really don't have much room to complain. I am pretty much healthy, I have a job, I have a home, I have food to eat, I have a family, I have friends, and most importantly, I have a relationship with the Lord. As I look back and think about what has been so dreadful, I realize that many of my "issues" boil down to what is self adoration. Yes, different struggles have occurred based on certain life situations I have recently experienced, but the emotional attachment I have with these all revolve around me. ME ME ME ME ME. Yuck. "What am I going to do in the future?" "Why are all MY friends moving away?" "How come no one is paying attention to ME?" "Listen to MY jokes!" "I can't eat this type of food, I'M hungry." "I don't care about meeting new people, I have plenty of friends." "I don't want to go to work." "Let ME talk about MY struggles, and if we have time, we'll talk about you." "I don't want to do this, or that, or anything." "I'M tired of dealing with ___________, I'M ready to just give up!"
Dang girl...
It sounds like I have a pronoun problem.
The realization of this self absorption is a helpful step in making a change. Instead of focusing everything on me, I realize that my direction needs to be on God. My focus needs to be on how to serve HIM, and serve his people. It's nice to know that regardless of any sin I may be in, or any self pity I encounter, God is always faithful. Through prayer, patience, and faithfulness, I know this soon will pass. Times will be tough, times will be good, times will get harder, and times will get better. No matter what situation I encounter, God deserves all the Praise and Glory. "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want..."

Once upon a time I created a blog to tell funny stories.
Once upon a time I couldn't think of anything funny to tell because I had a hard time enjoying the pure pleasures and gifts from life.
Once upon a time I decided to write about my true struggles to anyone willing to read.
Once upon a time I gave my life over to God to be used by him.
I am a sinner in need of a Savior.
Thank you Lord for your Mercy and Grace.

The end.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Elderly Day At The Local K.

Once upon a time I decided to go to the local Kroger on a Wednesday morning at 9:00 to buy some quick groceries, and avoid the potential afternoon crowds. Upon arriving, I had all intentions to be there for 5 minutes or less. I knew exactly what I wanted, so I grabbed a cart, and darted towards the produce section. After acquiring my necessary produce, I proceeded to go down aisle 8 to pick up another necessary product. As I slowly turned the corner, I looked up and saw a traffic jam.
Aahhh! Get out of my way people, I have things to buy and a job to attend, I thought.
Nobody would get out of my way.
"Should I get the Ragu pasta sauce, or the Kroger pasta sauce? One has more ingredients, and the other is less expensive. I wonder what I should do?" questioned the elderly woman.
"Umm... you could get out of my way!" I wanted to say. I would have never said that to her.
"Hmm... I just don't know what I should do, let me think about it some more."
As she was contemplating what to buy, I turned my cart around to exit out the way I entered, when I was greeted by another elderly woman.
"Oh, excuse me ma'am." I said politely.
"Excuse me ma'am." Once again.
Still Nothing.
"Ma'am? Pardon me."
Not a budge.
So I sat there, waiting.
I was blocked, I had no where to go.
Finally, the gates opened up, and I was free to go down the next aisle. When I turned the corner, lo and behold, I am blocked by 3 more elderly people.
"Well hello Clarice." Said one elderly woman.
"Hi there Gertrude. The weather sure looks bad outside, huh?"
"Oh my, I hear tomorrow we will have a winter weather storm."
"Well by golly, that would be a hoot, wouldn't it?"
Laughter occurs, and more chit chat happens.
I thought, "Can I get out of here? I just have one more item to buy!"
So I waited some more, and finally had an opportunity to leave that aisle. Eventually I was able to obtain all necessary items and head for the checkout. As I walk towards the checkout lane, another elderly woman turns the corner and cuts me off. I decide to go around her because she is walking incredibly slow. As I move my cart towards the left, she decides to head that direction. I am behind her again. 1 mile per hour. I veer right, an elderly man appears from no where. I am stuck yet again. There is no hope. I can't escape these people. After a minute of walking towards the checkout lane, the man takes an exit down another lane.
FINALLY, I can get to the check out lane and buy my groceries and head to work! I look up and notice there are only two lanes open. Normally on a Wednesday morning that would be fine. But not this Wednesday, oh no, this Wednesday each lane had about four elderly people.
Four elderly people with grocery carts completely full to the top!
Of course.
Do I head to the self checkout?
Why not?
I hate the self checkout, and refuse to use it if I have more than 5 items to buy.
Think what you will.
I finally arrive to check out.
I buy my groceries.
The time is 9:50 am.

The end.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Dance Like No One is Watching

Once upon a time I had a dream of being on "Dancing with the Stars." Could this dream be a reality? One could still hope. I have often dreamt of being on "So You Think You Can Dance?" as well. These dreams would be wonderful if they came true, but the likelihood is slim to zilch. So what do I do instead? I take hip hop classes.
I woke up yesterday morning knowing that I would have a fun noon taking my favorite beginner hip hop class with my favorite hip hop instructor. I show up. I'm the only one there. Just me and the pro. I think to myself, OMG, all eyes will be solely on ME. I don't want that!
We start the class.
"Wassssuup girl, we ready to get down?"
"Down?" I thought, hmm... not when I'm the only human in the room besides YOU!
"Umm... yeah." I said, with complete falsehood of assurance.
"Let's do it!"
So he starts dancing. Homeboy is real good. I start to feel a little bit insecure due to the fact that I am the ONLY one in the room. (There is a camera in the room so that people in the waiting area can watch as well.)
He says to me, "Girl, you gotta dance like no one is watching. Feel the music, nobody's looking at you, just move how you feel you can move."
Nobody's looking at me? The camera is looking at me, and I'm sure many other people in the waiting area are as well!
Hip Hop teacher tells me to dance by myself.
I dance.
I dance like no one is watching.
I feel the music.
I become one with the music.
The door opens.
"Hi guys, we're here to watch the lesson, hope you don't mind!"
"Oh yeah, come on in!" says Hip Hop teacher.
WHAT?????!!!!! NO, don't come in! Of course I mind, I can't "feel" the music with you people watching!
And so they watch.
And so I dance.
And so I become embarrassed.
And so I find out these girls are waiting to take the advanced hip hop class to train to be Mav Dancers.
Class is over.
I just danced my heart out.
Embarrassed, I walk out without making eye contact.
I leave the studio.
I walk into the frigid cold air.
I open my car door.
I sit down.
I turn the key to start the car.
"Imma Be" (1) is on the radio.
I look around.
I begin to dance like no one is watching.
I say to myself, "Dancing with the Stars, here I COME!!!"

The End

(1)"Imma Be" is a lovely song sung by the Pop/Hip Hop sensation Black Eyed Peas. This song is a great song to jam to at any point in time. If you have not heard it, I recommend you looking this song up on your local itunes, Youtube, or Google browser. If you don't feel an urge to move any part of your body while listening to this tune, something is terribly wrong with you.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


Once upon a time yesterday, I did not have to go to work. Woohoo! I woke up to a somewhat empty home. "Ahh... this is the life," I thought. Waking up and not having one single thing to do. Is that really the life? Not really. I would die of misery if I woke up every morning not having a single thing to do. How could I go on? I couldn't. 'Tis why I decided to make the most of my day. And oh what a day it was. "Ring, ring." Went the phone.
"Hello?" said J-J. (my mother, aka Big J-J)
"Whatchya doin' today girl?"
"Oh yah, wanna chill wit yo girl?" I questioned.
"I could do dat."
And so we did just dat. I hopped into my vehicle who is known as Priscilla, and drove to the beautiful suburban town that is Carrollton. Good 'ole Carrollton.
I arrived.
"Hello mother."
"Hello daughter."
We embraced.
"Such a pleasure to see you." I said.
"The pleasure is all yours my daughter."
"Oh mother, what a silly one you are."
We giggled. That's what moms and daughters do. Giggle. (Not to be confused with Google.)
We decided to see a movie. And so we did. As we were sitting in the theatre watching approximately 14 previews, my mother said to me, "How have you been feeling?"
"I've been better... I think." (You see, I have been having some issues lately, and it hasn't been the best, not major issues, but issues nonetheless, and it has been affecting several things in my life. Not good, but it's getting better.)
"You seem better."
"Yeah, it's good."
"I can tolerate being around you without having to scratch my EYES out!" J-J exclaimed.
"J-J, how dare you!"
"It's true, but I still love you."
And boy does she love me.
We watched the movie. We liked it. We left. We stopped by the house.
"Hi Spartacus!" (Spartacus is my brother's dog.)
I played with Spartacus for a bit. We ate. Mmmmm....
I became full.
We ran some errands.
We ate dinner.
I became full again.
I got my car washed. (It is currently raining. Good investment.)
I got gasoline in Priscilla.
I drove back to d Town.
I went over to my dear friends house to watch a popular television show about a man who is desperately trying to find a wife.
I saw many desperate women trying to force this man to fall in love with them.
I laughed.
We all laughed.
The four of us.
I thought, "how much fun I have with these friends."
They tried to plan my birthday around what they wanted to do.
I informed them that dancing will definitely be involved in the festivities of my birthday. (February 22.)
They said they would go.
I said, "Good."
I left.
I did a workout to Jillian Michaels, "No More Trouble Zones."
She's crazy.
"You're CRAZY Jillian Michaels!" I screamed.
She did not respond, she was on TV.
I went to my room.
I eventually went to bed.
I enjoyed my day off and my time with J-J and friends.
Day off... successful.

The end.